Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Anticipation or Anxiety...

I find myself full of emotions lately as we enter week 34 of this baby girls pregancy.  Lots of memories have come back, some good and some of those feelings you wish you never would remember as they are gut wrenching.  Both Jackson and Avenlea were early arrivers...both in drastically different ways and for very different reasons.

I think I am more reminded by Jackson's birth as I have been chatting with other individuals who have been expecting babys in the next few months that are expected/known to have medical issues.  it is such a struggle even having been there to have the words, to know how to reach out...you want to be helpful...not intrusive. Most of the time...I still don't have the words...as I have been there an I know how helpless you feel as they wheel you babe off to surgery at hours/days old.  You know God is in control...yet at that moment nothing seems to bring you comfort.  However, I do remember the amazing feeling that came over me as I witnessed friends and family praying for Jackson or for us.  I also look back an I can see God's hands on him an on us...an the amazing support we had all around us.  I got to watch Jackson be prayed over just last week...it was amazing to see him beem as a man he had never met before prayed for him and called him by name as he asked God to heal his little body.  In that moment I new God and Jackson had chatted, maybe even met already.  On our way home that day Jackson had lots of questions and I love that these conversations have opened up between us.  I feel this will definitely help us as we approach his next surgery.  I don't know if its the arrival of baby number three, the mega pregancy emotions or the idea that we have made a HUGE decision to go forward with another surgery for him...but Jack and his health have been on my mind alot lately...more to come I promise about Jackson's progress and what is next for him.  (that is another post).

Avenlea's birth was a bit different and could so happen again.  I find myself getting anxious and watching for signs of water leakage at every trip to the bathroom.  I find myself anticipating with excitement and also some anxiety...as there are so many unknowns.  As much as God and I chat about how he is in control and I know from experience he doesn't give us more than we can handle at one time, I still find myself worrying about the what ifs...I know I know...you think I more than anyone...would have stopped that right??  Yeah no!  It is simply hard to wait to just see what happens.  I remember three years ago being so shell shocked..which sent me into a tailspin when we were told Avenlea was going to be born that day.  (I apologize for those that came to visit...and just watch me cry)  Being so unprepared made me feel helpless...but then on the other hand we still I think didn't believe everything was healthy or going to be alright...and yet it was...she has grown and developed exactly the way she was suppose too.  Yet it made her birth just a bit more traumatic.

So baby girl on the way (yes I know...she still doesn't have a name)....I feel so ready for her...she has a nursery, a carseat, two siblings that are waiting for her with tons of love and attention to give her and a mama that is so excited to meet her, yet wanting her to grow as strong as she can before she chooses to come (despite the puking 2-5 times a day...and sometimes more).  I pray for her everyday and pray for me...that I will be prepare by God for the emotions of her birth and for the physical demands of taking care of three.
I appreciate all of you that have prayed and our continuing to pray for us....this is a bit of a ramble and for that I am sorry...I just wanted to get my thought this morning down in writing...

And when there's no way to feel better in the moment, we have to place our feet on the only solid ground there is—God's truth.

His truth won't shift with feelings.
His truth won't drown in a sea of tears.
His truth won't leave you even when your gut honest cries don't sound so Christian.

totally needed this reminder from my morning devotion this morning.  I am so blessed to have a faith to lean on in times of emotion and struggle.  

1 comment:

Erin said...

Just went on that emotional walk with you....good honesty and good truths! I can't wait to meet the unnamed little punkin!